Never Tell a Goblin King Where an Author Lives
by Neko-chan -Silvered Tongue
Summary: [Part Three Added!!!] What happens when an author is stuck on her (many) stories and doesn't know what to write? And, of course, our favorite Goblin King shows up.... (Dedicated to Sallie Drazzi!! ^_^)
1. eBay Auction

Never Tell a Goblin King Where an Author Lives

By: Neko-chan

A/N: Okie, okie. I know that I'm supposed to be working on Through a Child's Eyes or The Labyrinth: Another Tale....The Sequel. But I dun wanna!! Anyway, this fic is inspired by Sallie Drazzi's "The Visit". So, of course, this fic is dedicated to her! (I hope you like it!) And before I forget....I dun own the Laby or the Goblin King. *pouts*........or eBay. ^_^

  
  


Neko-chan moaned and stared at her computer screen in despair. "Damn it!!" she growled, poking it to see if it was the computer that was having the problem, not her. She hadn't added ANYTHING to her Laby section for months--she was at a standstill and knew it.

She sniffled pathetically and pouted. She had to type something!! She had that urge....the need to write. But what, she didn't know.

"What's wrong with me?" she complained to her extremely chewed up pen. (She always chewed on it when she was bored or stuck with a story or two. As you guessed, it was one VERY chewed up pen.)

Bob didn't answer her. Neko-chan growled in frustration and threw the pen over her shoulder, muttering curses in Japanese.

"You should be careful with that," a deep voice purred from behind. Neko-chan blinked. She KNEW that voice......she had memorized every line of the Labyrinth, listened to his songs, bought the CD after months of looking, and idolized him in fanfiction. It was Jareth, the Goblin King. Continuing, he said, "Next time, you should look before you throw things. This could've taken my eye out."

Slowly getting over her shock, Neko-chan scowled. "What are YOU doing here?" She didn't really mean to be rude. It's just that, usually, when she was stuck with a story and people bugged her about it, she tended to lash out at them. And Neko-chan had the feeling that Jareth had come here to talk about her stories.

Jareth grinned. "You got that right, kiddo."

Neko-chan growled and stamped down the urge to kick him. She hated being called kiddo...and Jareth knew that. "How did you find out where I live?" she finally asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

The Goblin King smirked. "Sallie Drazzi, of course."

The red-headed cat girl moaned aloud and started to seriously consider the option of just ending her misery and killing herself right then and there. Once the Goblin King found out where an author lived, he never stopped visiting. Jareth was hot, but he was also annoying.

The said Goblin King rose an eyebrow. "Annoying, am I?"

Neko-chan started to seriously consider stabbing herself with Bob, the extremely chewed up pen. She had forgotten that Jareth often enjoyed reading other people's minds. Hot, annoying, and NOSY. A description of the King in three words.

"And I heard that, too. Anyway, I'm here not to discuss your stories. You're doing alright on those. I especially liked how you write about how I have a daughter. Not many fan fiction writers do that. And I also like Through a Child's Eyes. What made you think of that particular story?"

Neko-chan shrugged. "I dunno. I was watching the Labyrinth....for the 1,986,402,206 time....and I started wondering: What were you like when you were a child? I don't think any other writer did a story about that. So I decided to be the first."

Jareth nodded absently. "Very good. Actually, I came here to discuss your relationship with your boyfriend."

The red-head nearly choked. "WHAT?!" she yelled and picked up Bob, brandishing it like a sword. "Why do you want to know THAT for?!"

The Goblin King grinned evilly. "I don't. I just wanted to see your reaction."

Neko-chan frowned. Scratch off 'hot' and pencil in 'comedian-wannabe.' Maybe instead of stabbing herself to death, she could seriously consider getting rid of one annoying blonde Goblin King. But, then again....if she did that, fan fiction writers would be after her head.

"So what are you really here for?" she asked warily. Neko-chan knew that she had to ask the right questions or the Goblin King would try and skirt around an issue for as long as he could. He was very evasive and liked playing those types of games.

Jareth looked down at the light brown carpet. "Actually....I've come here to ask you about your stories. Are you going to make me gay in any of them?"

Neko-chan blinked, then snorted. "Gay?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "You?"

Jareth nodded and raised his head, scowling at her. "Yes, I want to know if you're going to make me gay in any of your stories."

The red-head's eyes sparkled and she tapped her lips thoughtfully. "I dunno. Depends on what you would do for me...." She grinned suddenly: "Why do you want to know if I'm going to make you gay in any of my stories?"

Jareth blinked innocently and his full lips pouted. "No reason...." he answered airily.

Neko-chan thought for a minute, then her grin broadened. "It's one of the fanfiction authors, isn't it? One of them is thinking about making you gay...or has done so already. So now you're checking up on each one, to see if they're going to do the same in their stories, also.... Now, I wonder which author it is that's got you so worried....."

Jareth blinked once again, this time in amazement. The suave Goblin King was flabbergasted. "You and Sallie Drazzi get more and more alike each time I see her. It's....scary, that's what it is. Soon I'll have to deal with two Sallie Drazzis!!"

The hyper cat girl grinned. "Or two Neko-chans."

"God forbid...." she heard him mutter. Then, he once again directed his attention to her. "What do I have to do in order to make me not gay in one of your stories?"

Neko-chan blinked, then her grin turned more sinister. "What does every female Labyrinth fanfiction writer dream about? Could you be any more dense?" That said, she closed her eyes and puckered up her lips, waiting for his kiss.

After about five minutes of waiting, Neko-chan opened a gray eye and scrutinized her prey. "Well?" she asked. "Aren't you going to kiss me?"

"No," Jareth said. "I'd rather be gay in one of your stories than kiss you."

The redhead shrugged. "Fine, suit yourself. I guess I'll just have to follow in my fellow fanfiction writers' footsteps and write a story about you being gay. Let's see...." Suddenly, her grin turned evil and Jareth could imagine little devil horns popping out of her head. Continuing, she said, "I've always thought that you and Hoggle would make a good couple....."

Neko-chan's reply was a loud thump on the ground. Blinking in bewilderment, the girl turned around and there, unconscious on the ground, was the Goblin King. He had fainted from terror. The girl shrugged and began searching for rope. Once she found some, she quickly tied Jareth up.

Sitting once again at her computer, Neko-chan began to compose a letter to Sallie Drazzi:

Dear Sallie Drazzi:

I love how all of you fanfiction stories are going! They're all so great! Anyways, do you remember how Jareth stopped by your house a while ago? Well, when you told him to go and bug someone across the Atlantic, he took it literally. He's now here. And tied up. What do you think about me 'n' you starting a Goblin King slave auction on eBay? Write me and tell me what you think! Ja ne! ^_~

~Neko-chan

That done, the redhead turned around and eyed the still-unconscious Jareth thoughtfully. "Hmm....well, until I get a reply from Sallie Drazzi, I guess that means that you're my new muse!"

And so, grinning happily, the now satisfied Neko-chan began to write, immersing herself in the story of the Labyrinth and all of its magical creatures.

  
  


A/N: So, ladies....what's the bidding going to start at? ^_^


	2. The Return of the (Goblin) King

Not-So Perfect Timing

By: Neko-chan

A/N: Yay! A part two! Hmmm...maybe I should make this into a series of short stories, huh? ^_^ Anyway, this fic is once again dedicated to the great and wonderful Sallie Drazzi. *hugs* Hope ya like it! ^_~

Disclaimer: Neko-chan owns nothing...though she does wish that she sometimes owns the Goblin King. (Then again, who doesn't?)  
  


The scene we enter upon, ladies and gentlemen, is of the red-headed Neko-chan in white ankle length socks, oversized plaid boxers, and a white tank top. This story begins--

"YOU REMIND ME OF THE BABE. WHAT BABE? BABE WITH THE POWER. WHAT POWER? POWER OF VOODOO. WHO DO? YOU DO. DO WHAT? REMIND ME OF THE BABE!" Neko-chan sang at the top of her lungs as she danced around her room, a comb held in her hand as a microphone.

Suddenly, her stereo shut off and a deep voice chuckled from behind the teenage girl. "Remind me to send the goblins to you for torturing whenever they misbehave. With you to discipline them, they'll never misbehave again. All you have to do is sing for them."

"Hey!" Neko-chan exclaimed as she turned around to give whoever had spoken a thorough tongue-lashing. Then she saw Jareth, the Goblin King. The red-headed girl blinked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you supposed to be in Antarctica?"

The blonde man shuddered. "Dear God, don't bring up those memories. Did you know that in Antarctica, the female population outnumbers the male 15 to 1? It was so horrible. The village that you sent me to was made up of all women."

Neko-chan started laughing, tears of mirth trailing down her face. "Do you mean to tell me that you became a man-trollop for a village full of women?" The laughter grew harder and louder.

"Go ahead, laugh as hard as you want. You wouldn't be laughing at ALL if you had to endure what I had to."

The girl began to laugh so hard that she slowly slid to the floor, clutching at her sides. Gasping for breath, she said: "But you're the Goblin King; you're _supposed_ to enjoy seducing women and then leaving them."

Jareth shuddered. "Do you know how often the women bathed? Once every several years. I'm going to have nightmares for centuries."

Neko-chan snickered. "Oh, I have _got_ to tell Sallie Drazzi this! She's gonna love it!" She stood up and made her way to her computer, a letter already outlined in her mind. But Neko-chan stopped abruptly when Jareth uttered an evil sounding chuckle.

"Oh, speaking of Sallie Drazzi..." he trailed off, raising an arm and snapping his fingers. Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek echoed off of Neko-chan's walls and a young woman appeared next to the red-head and fell on her rump.

Pushing herself to her feet, the young woman dusted herself off and glared at the Goblin King. It was then that Neko-chan noticed the pink glitter tattoo on her cheek. "Sallie Drazzi!" Neko-chan squealed and glomped her favorite Labyrinth author. "It's so NICE to finally meet you!"

Smiling happily, Sallie Drazzi hugged Neko-chan back. "I know. It's nice to finally meet you, too. But...how did I get here?" Silently, the younger girl pointed to the smirking Jareth. Sallie Drazzi cocked an eyebrow and sighed. "Oh, it's you again. What do you want this time? And are you ever going to remove this stupid pink glitter tattoo from my face?"

All Jareth did in reply was utter a low, evil sounding laugh. Neko-chan rolled her eyes at his antics while Sallie Drazzi sighed. "Actually," he finally answered when he was through, "I wanted to know if either of you will be writing new Labyrinth fiction any time soon...or, in _your_ case, Neko-chan, are you going to be _finishing_ any Labyrinth works any time soon?"

Neko-chan scowled. "I've been busy," she retorted haughtily.

The Goblin King snorted. "Yes, you looked _extremely_ busy just a bit ago when you were singing and dancing." The girl's scowl turned to a glare and she threw her comb at him.

Ducking, Jareth was able to avoid being hit in the head with the comb...barely. "To tell you both the truth, your stories weren't the reason why I returned," he said, smiling a little smug smile. Neko-chan and Sallie Drazzi looked skeptical. After all, they each had had to endure several visits by the Goblin King. They knew that he was up to something. "Actually..." Jareth continued, his smug little smile becoming even _more_ smug. "The reason why I came back is to show you two my kingdom. Isn't that your dream? To know the Labyrinth firsthand?"

Sallie Drazzi and Neko-chan exchanged and look and both began to smile.

* * *

"We are so stupid, did you know that?" Neko-chan wailed, partly to herself, and partly to Sallie Drazzi. "So completely and utterly stupid. The stupidest people on the face of the Earth. We should have _known_ better! Really, we should have! We are so completely and totally gullible!"

Sallie Drazzi sighed and tossed a scrub brush down the long hallway. "No, we aren't. We just didn't realize that Jareth would take his revenge about the whole eBay thing..."

The younger female snickered. "That was kinda funny, wasn't it?"

Sallie Drazzi laughed. "Yup. Totally worth this, I should say."

Neko-chan snorted. "The whole eBay incident is NOT worth this," she retorted. "So completely _NOT_ worth this. I swear to whatever god is listening that I'll make him regret this..."

The older woman sighed and thought of the neon green glitter tattoo that Jareth had put on her other cheek in revenge for the whole 'incident.' She sighed once again and got back to work. Growling insults about Jareth--and his ancestry--under her breath, Neko-chan followed suit....

...cleaning the latrines and privies in the Goblin King's castle.


	3. NekoChan Gets An Idea

Never Tell a Goblin King Where An Author Lives

By: Neko-chan

  
  


A/N: IT LIVES!!!!!!!!! *screams* LOL. Gomen nasai, I just couldn't help myself. (Yes, I already realize that I'm odd. But in my own little world, I'M NORMAL! NORMAL, I TELL YA! D) And so, once again, the abomination continues... What do Neko-chan and (the wonderful, great, majestic, awe-inspiring, and talented) Sallie Drazzi have in stores for our stud-muffin Goblin King? ...read and find out. ^_^

Disclaimer: Once again, Neko-chan does not own the Labyrinth. Terribly imaginative people do. Sadly, Neko-chan is not counted among those afore mentioned people. Sad. So very, very sad...

  
  


The two red-heads glared down at the very last privy that they were to clean. Once they finally cleaned that one...they were _done._ There was no other latrines and privies in the castle. (They had combed the castle up and down to make SURE that this was the VERY LAST privy.) But see, the thing was...

Neither of them wanted to clean it.

It was...old. And...nasty. And gross, disgusting, creepy, amazingly dirty, and any other awful adjective you could think of. In fact, the privy looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in years. (Which, in fact, it hadn't been.) Another bad thing--this particular privy was located in the goblins' quarters, which made cleaning it all the more nastier.

Neko-chan looked down at the privy, looked at her scrub brush, then turned to her favorite Labyrinth author. Gathering her courage, she said: "I'm not cleaning that."

Sallie Drazzi looked down at her own scrub brush and then the privy, also. "I'm not touching that, either," she stated flatly.

The younger girl frowned. "Well...then who's gonna clean it, huh? If that baka King finds out that we didn't clean his stupid privy, then he's gonna find something ELSE for us to do. What happens if he sends us to go weed the Bog of Eternal Stench?"

The older red-head shuddered. "Normally, I would say 'Don't think that! Of course he wouldn't make us go and do _that_! He's nicer than ' But..."

"This is the Goblin King we're talking about," Neko-chan finished for her. "Anyway...I'm not cleaning that. Even though you're my favorite Laby author...I STILL refuse to touch...that. What _is_ that, by the way?"

Sallie Drazzi shuddered. "I really don't want to know. Anyway, no offense is taken. I don't want to clean it, also. Can't blame a person for not wanting to clean..._that._"

Neko-chan grinned and Sallie Drazzi could see why some people called her a (sometimes) demonic cat girl. It wasn't a very nice smile at ALL. In fact, if you didn't mind being blunt, Sallie Drazzi thought that it looked positively...evil...

"Sallie..."

"Yes, Neko-chan?"

"I just thought of something absolutely...fun. Let's not finish this particular privy. No one will notice that it's not done. And if they DO notice that it's not done, we'll just tell them that we scrubbed really, really hard, but..._that_...wouldn't come off. 'Kay?"

The older red-head nodded. "Alright. Sounds like a plan to me. But, Neko-chan...what do you have in mind?"

Neko-chan's grin darkened and broadened...all at the same time. (Is that even _possible_?) She tried to put on an innocent facade, but Sallie Drazzi knew better. (She was a red-head, too, after all. Too bad she wasn't a Scorpio, like Neko-chan. Then they would have made Jareth's life a living nightmare...)

She smiled again. "Oh, well...I just had an absolutely _marvelous_ plan, Sallie!"

An answering smile. "And what would that be, Neko-chan?"

"Well, just think about it. We're in the Labyrinth. Obviously there is magic here. And Jareth couldn't just be _born_ with his magic, ne? He had to learn it from _somewhere_. Besides tutors and scholars and all...where do we learn stuff? From _books._ And that means _libraries._ And that means easy access for nearly anyone. And that means, my dear fellow red-headed authoress...we can learn magic, too."

"Oh?" A raised eyebrow. Sallie was interested, Neko-chan could tell. But, then again, Sallie Drazzi wouldn't really want to admit to it. But Neko-chan wasn't through yet...

"And we want to get back at Jareth for the whole _tattoo_ and _privy_ things, riiiiiiight?"

"Right..."

"So, Sallie, how do you feel about itching powder?"

  
  


A/N: Yup! Chapter three! Short, yes, I know. Buuuuut...it introduces a whole 'nother story arc for the upcoming chapters! (Which I'll try and update more often, I promise!) You can probably see where this is going... ^_^;; And, just think about it: Sallie Drazzi and Neko-chan...with magical powers. Scary thought, ne?

  
  


Translations:

gomen nasai: "I'm sorry!"

baka: stupid, idiot

ne: just...added little thing for Japanese vocab. Kinda hard to explain...*sweatdrops*

ja ne: "See ya later!"

  
  


[And, just to warn you ahead of time, I DO use Japanese vocabulary...so you'll be seeing these translations a LOT. Ja ne! ^_~]


End file.
